I want more for you than where you are and I know you won’t listen until you’re ready, but you need to hear it. The most tragic part of spending your life in volatile, violent, or otherwise toxic relationships is that after a while, you become toxic because of the ways you’ve changed in order to cope and survive.
You become toxic because of how you’ve been conditioned.
You become toxic because of your triggers, the things you have been wired to expect. You become toxic because of the way your patience has been impacted by your experience and because of the way you now refuse to learn reasonable sacrifice or practice healthy degrees of compromise.
You become toxic because chaos has been normalized.
You become toxic because of your tendency to overcompensate in your pursuit of self-preservation when a situation exists that reminds you of such familiar pain.
I’ve been where you are and I don’t know if I’ll ever fully heal from all the things I’ve allowed. My heart is full of landmines. Most places are safe to walk but if you let your guard down, you’ll step right into an explosion that I’m not able to control.
I wish I could start over, but the damage has been done and now this is life – watching myself force people to walk away even though I want them to stay, and realizing that no one is strong enough to love someone who’s been fucked up this much or lost for this long.
You do not want this life. Be careful. What you’re willing to give up and what you’re willing to accept are things that only you can decide. I’m just concerned because I see the way that you’re already starting to lay down and die for your pride.