Page 4

Float

I am an addict of falling in love, but you had me.
You had me, but you didn’t know what to do with me.
It was not flattering,
the way your whole world revolved around me…
and now you don’t know what to do without me.

I tried to make myself feel. I tried to make myself heal.

But it was dark and you made it darker.
You had me, but you brought a sadness.
When you had me, I kept myself contained.
I made all the right moves.
Yet now you are confused by my natural madness.

I tried to make myself fit. I tried to make myself float.

But it was deep, and you drowned me.
You had me and because you had me, I couldn’t swim.
I was engulfed by your savagery
and pulled apart by waves I never saw coming.

I tried to make myself bend. I tried to make myself not do this again.

But I loved hard and you couldn’t love me enough.
You had me, but you couldn’t take me as I was.
You needed to keep me pressed underneath your thumb
and I never felt the freedom to control who I’d become.
Always eggshell-stepping, always smiling through your storm.

I tried to make myself calm…
in denial about the harm I endured inside your arms.
When you had me, I tried to believe we somehow belonged,
but my wishful thinking was never powerful enough
to make you feel like home.